Life with teenagers

Teenagers are an interesting breed. We can't seem to get it right no matter what we do in trying to help them, approach them, talk to them. When they answer back we are affronted; sometimes they are emotional, sometimes irrational, they can be shifty, awkward, difficult to talk to, self centred, erratic, and throughly confusing. How best can we make them understand us?

Lets change this around and try first to understand them. We were teenagers once. What do we remember? Do we remember being like that? For most of us the answer is no. We have forgotten our own stubborn blinkered view of life at that age and look back with our adult eyes and assume that is how we have always been.

 

I don't know about you, but I was awful. Yes I started work at 16 and managed to stick to a job, I got a mortgage when I was nearly 18 and moved in with my boyfriend. I was fairly responsible?? I paid my bills. I know that I didn't really start growing up until I was in my mid to late twenties. I was a late developer in the maturity stakes.

I was a rather horrible teenager from about 13 or 14 onwards and caused my parents no end of problems. Drinking, smoking etc. (the etc there is meant to cover everything else!)

We often struggle with our teenagers because they can remind us that we were young, self centred and immature. Who likes to be reminded of that? Another reason that we struggle is that we made so many mistakes that we would like to impart our hard earned wisdom and thereby help our own children by giving them the knowledge free without them having to be hurt, lost, confused, embarrassed, self conscious.

If only life worked this way, if only we could learn sensibly from another persons mistakes. If that were the case then mankind would have developed far beyond the bodily stage and we would all be ascended beings in a divine state. Yet, here we still are, thousand of years of mistakes later, still in the same form of human body. I believe that the reason is because life changes and mistakes are meant to be made.


It hurts us when our children are hurt, right from the time they come home and say they are not invited to someones party, we are gutted for them. We wish we could make everything better. We do not want them to get hurt physically or emotionally or mentally. But this is life. We each have our own journey and we cannot control the journey of another even our own child. We can only provide what is needed and love them unconditionally. And yes I even mean that for teenager who may turn on you at any moment and slam the door in your face, tell you they hate you, tell you not to interfere in their lives, leave them alone. It does get kind of difficult to give the unconditional love when we feel so desperately hurt.


As a life coach I have developed a set of golden rules to help parents deal with teenagers. I wouldn't dream of telling anyone how it should be done. I have a fourteen year old daughter and a sixteen year old son, you can ask them what they think of whether I get it right or not (ha ha). There are no right and wrong ways to parent when we love our children. Nevertheless, sometimes it helps to share our worries and our moans, to bring ourselves back into the equation, when we have just been mum or dad for so long. How do we survive living with our teenagers? I truly believe that my six golden rules can help and am hoping that through my workshops and support groups it will make life easier for parents (and hopefully teenagers too).

They are a real challenge and perhaps we have got past an age when we want to be challenged on a daily basis. Maybe we just want the easy life and to stay in our comfort zones. Teenagers challenge us to examine our deepest fears, our ethics, our own flaws and weaknesses. We don't always want that which is why we want them just to make our lives easier by taking our advise and not inflicting their problems on us. They often come to us for help, we offer help, they don't want our help because it is rubbish, they reject us, we bash away trying to keep helping. It can all be very painful!


I think that teenagers are a joy. I love to be challenged by something totally out of my control. It never fits in to times that I actually find convenient of course but, hey, that's part of the challenge too!


Make time to enjoy your teenagers, spread the word: they are one of our greatest sources of learning and developing ourselves. Be grateful to them for that.

And if you know parents who are in need of support then please share this blog and my website and ask them to come to my workshop! I need help and support too!

http://www.aprilwhalley.com/

Clay clay wonderful clay

Finger bones necklaces made for drama performance -

for a witch doctor and his mini sidekick - made from polymer clay
.

Back to the wonders of being creative without talent. How much I enjoy playing with polymer clay - all the more inspired by a wonderful polymer clay group meeting every couple of months to help, encourage and teach each other.

Roses and ivy covered glass vase

 

 

My wonderful friend, Kerrie is fast becoming a polymer clay expert. From humble beginnings in her own home just messing about with the media I first asked her if she would be willing to do a party for a group of 13 year olds. Bearing in mind that we met as therapists doing a Christmas party for a local childrens hospice, I can't even remember how we got onto the subject of clay.

Two lovely ladies working at the polymer clay group meeting

 

 

She nervously agreed to oblige me and entertain my daughter and four friends and a keen mother in February. We had a wonderful time - the party went over by several hours because we all got so emersed in creating.

 

Lovely Kerrie

 

 



Now Kerrie does teaching workshops for Stich n Craft and is very good at it too! She started the East Dorset Polymer clay group and has so far hosted each meeting. I will happily have people here in my summer house at some stage.

 

My canes taking shape

This inspired me to get going on some projects before my first meeting so that I had a show and tell to bring along. I also learn loads in that meeting as Kerrie taught us how to make very basic flower canes.

Canes from the group

 



I am now determined to get going on the next project as the winter evenings are starting to draw in. My outside in the garden time is becoming limited.

My first polymer clay flower cane broaches

 

 

The clocks go back and the polymer clay will come out.

Polymer clay mask with canes

 

Pond sculpture

 

 

 

Jungle Mosaic box

 

 

Mr Crab's Treasure

 

 

Rock pool

 

 





Xena's Story Final Part (3)

 Xena on Saturday 1st September 2012 enjoying a long walk around The River Frome.

 

 

 

Xena's Story Final Part (3)

I decided to take her off her tablets. I thought long and hard about the decision. I spoke to the vet who said that she may go at any time from internal bleeding, that she would have a bleed in her brain or her stomach. He did not expect her to live more than two weeks. I knew I would lose her but I wanted her to have two good weeks if I could rather than another miserable few months or years. I looked into homeopathic remedies for dogs and as I had also recently started on a new life path for myself of holistic therapies I decided to learn reiki so that I could treat her.

I put her on Arnica and I treated her everyday with reiki. I brought in an experienced reiki lady who I met whilst learning reiki and she treated her. I took her off wheat and chemicals and only bought natural food for her. I treated her as if every day was her last and boy was she happy! I thought each day about it being her last day. I hated to leave her alone because I was convinced I would come home to find her dead. She had a habit of sleeping upside down with her legs in the air and snoring loudly. I kept waking and if I did not hear her snoring I would panic and call out her name. She used to jump up out of a deep sleep as if to say 'What!! Whats wrong?' I tried to make every day a good day to die. It sounds so morbid but I just wanted her to have a great last day.

As I am sure you are aware by the time scale and the start of the story. She is still around eight years later - yep - eight years. No one told her she was supposed to die from it - we just let her do her thing. After a couple of months I stopped worrying because it seemed like the right decision. She had a few good months and that was ok by me. Then it was a good year, a good couple of years and now it's a good life. Of course, she was spoilt rotten and you can't do a thing with her now! Her favourite hobby is barking and she just loves to do it. Mad as a ship's cat, but then I think she always was.

It is hard to play god, which is what we are to our animals. It is hard to decide to allow an animal to die if that is what is right? Who are we to say? We can only try and listen to what they are saying. Don't try and put words and thoughts into their heads they speak with energy. If you listen carefully and sit with your pet you can feel the energy and you will know the right choice for the animal you love. It is not always right to try and keep them alive just because we will miss them so desperately.

Xena checking the story copy is correct before going to press.

 I sure will miss Xena when she goes, but whenever that is will be fine because she has had a great life. Lucky dog!



 

 

 

 

 

Xena's story Part II

Xena's Story Part II

 Xena has never been an easy dog, if there is such a thing? She was so full of energy, being a Border Collie/ Spaniel cross, she should have been a working dog. But her spaniel side let her down - without a doubt she has always been a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic. Having said that she tuned into me straight away and has always loved me deeply. More, much more than I deserved. I am an unreliable owner, I blow hot and cold with most things, I am not consistent. Having said that I always did my best to exercise her as much as I could. Single parenting is the hardest job in the world, I truly believe that and I am always mindful of how hard it is when I meet other parents in those circumstances. Single parenting with two young children and a neurotic collie is enough to drive anyone crazy and I think it did.

In 2004 I decided to get Xena spayed and this is where her remarkable story really begins. I had decided that it was necessary because her seasons sent us both over the edge! She would be running off trying to find any available 'man'. Perhaps I was jealous??

Having got her home from the op she started bleeding from the wound quite heavily. I took her back to the vets immediately and they kept her in overnight. I had to borrow a large cage (yes of course I had got rid of the other one - couldn't keep her in that!!) and she had to be kept quiet and only allowed out to do any business on a lead. She hated it - I hated it - she was so miserable - I was so miserable.

The vet had tested her blood and it turned out that she had a very low platelet count. Platelets are little cells in the blood that help it to clot. The vet was amazed at her results, in the tiny sample that they had taken they were hard pushed to find a platelet. She would bleed at the slightest thing. He warned me that he would book an appointment for five days later for a further test to see if the steroids were helping but that I should be prepared that she may not make it to that appointment. The chances of an internal bleed which would kill her were extemely high.

 

The next year followed in a blur of monthly blood checks, expensive tablets and steroids. I could not afford it but she was my third child (if you don't have a dog you probably won't understand that). It was better to get in debt than to lose her. Her condition did not improve, on the contrary, she became more and more distressed and 'crazy'. I decided to try and reduce her tablets and she seems a bit better in her 'mood' - I went to the vets for the next blood test and said that I had tried reducing her tablets and that she had improved so much. He phoned me up that evening and told me to increase the dose again immediately as her platelet count had gone dangerously low again. I despaired but did as I was told.

It was at the point that Xena had to take extreme measures to get through to my thick head and lack of understanding about her true energy and spirit. She ripped up several carpets - my sons bedroom carpet and the door, my new hall carpet, the stair carpet, the kitchen door. Shredded. I was so so mad. I am ashamed to say that I lashed out at her. I could not speak to her for two weeks my partner took her home with him and took her to work every day in his truck. I was deeply upset and didn't even ask him how she was.

Then it suddenly clicked. It clicked what she had been trying so hard for the last YEAR to tell me. How could I have been so far away from the language of energy? The language of animals. A dog that understood my every mood was screaming at me to try and understand her mood and her energy.

Xena came home and I started to think very hard about the right move forward. What makes my slowness of action even harder to understand is that I had been through the SAME thing. At 18 my platelet count was 18,000 per cubic centimetre of blood. I think the correct count is 350-500,000 per cubic cm. I was put on steroids, I felt miserable, the steroids did not work and I ended up in hospital at 19 having my spleen removed. Let me tell you that I would not let them do it now. But at 19 and told that I could bleed internally and that the operation was urgent, I just went along with what I was told was necessary to live.

 

Despite this, why could I not understand my dog? HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO STUPID??

 

Final Part III tomorrow.

Xena's Story Part I

This is the story of my dog Xena. Don't worry, its not an obituary, it is safe to read on without smudging your masscara. I'll try and do the story in several blogs otherwise you may fall asleep if I go on for too long.

It really is a story of a remarkable dog, I can't say that I fully understand the weirdness of what has happened to her, but I no longer worry and I no longer try to understand.

Ok - so here is Part One

Xena was born on the 21st June 2001. I didn't meet her until 19th January 2002. By then she was quite a big puppy and was causing chaos in the house that had her since she was eight weeks. They had bought her with her sister, who I think they called Misty. It was fine when they were puppies but as larger dogs they really couldn't cope with them both in a small house in Wareham so they advertised her. They chose to get rid of Xena rather than Misty because she was the most trouble, but they insisted it was because Xena had been chosen by the mum of the family and Misty had been chosen by the two boys and they didn't think it was fair to get rid of 'their' dog.

There are not many pictures of Xena in her youth - they are all blurred. She never stopped racing around.

So I turned up on a dark and dreary night in January, with two young children in tow. David was 5 and Lou was 3. We decided we wanted her straight away. They wanted us to take her then and there, so we did. We paid £100 for her and a very large cage.

That was the last time that she was shut in the cage with the door locked, until it was necessary that is. We kept it for a while as it was her 'bed' that she was used to. But we always left the door open.

When my husband left in March 2002 that was the last time that she slept downstairs - from then on I moved her bed next to mine and that is where she has slept ever since. She has never been an 'on the bed' sort of dog, she is too big and she also has more manners than that.

Then things started to get difficult.

 

Part II tomorrow

 

Art, craft and vision boards

Oh how I wish I was good at art! I have been thinking about this muchly this week. Firstly I am in touch with an old school friend again through the wonderful world of Facebook and how I always envied her talent when we were at school together... guess what? She hasn't lost it! You can check out her portraits and landscapes on her Facebook page at SAS Art and Design. I have another good friend who was always so whacky with her art and how I loved it! She hasn't got a FB page but I am about to message her to tell her to get one!
Anyway, I am not good at art. I am hugely creative and wildly expressive and mostly quite over the top in my approach to art.

I love doing crafts of all sorts and a particular favourite at the moment is polymer clay. But I have to be honest I am pretty hopeless at all of it. Now in the past this has quite put me off. Doing something not very well or even badly is quite hard for most of us. We are very critical of ourselves and often expect far too much.

I had a major breakthrough with the craft side of things when I discovered card making and then polymer clay. Sadly, no talent for either... I live in hope.... but oh how I love doing them. I came to accept that enjoying the time and immersing myself in the craft and loving the space I was in at that time was a good enough reason to do it. The end result is really not important. I don't fool myself by thinking that what I have produced is in any way good in comparison to the people I know who are so talented but I can look at it and like it and feel almost proud of it. I enjoyed creating it and therefore I love it in the way only a 'parent' can, with all it's faults!!

I therefore without shame of the pretentiousness of it. Obtained a few years ago a huge 12' x 12' summerhouse and have allowed it to be a creative space (every now and then it manages to accumulate all the junk and needs to be saved). I have all the craft 'junk' a person could want,  beads and stencils and card making and polymer clay. Everything needed to express myself in an arty kind of way.

I have been reading a book lately called The Vision Board by Joyce Schwarz. A lovely book that explains this wonderful way of manifesting your future through the creative expression and creation of a vision board. By spending your time sitting and making something that says 'how you feel' or 'what you want for yourself' or maybe even 'what you expect from yourself' it does help to find a focus and when we have focus we are much more able to achieve.

View from the summer house

I have long been into The Secret and all forms of the law of attraction, namely that what we 'put out there' into the universe is what we will get back into our lives. It seems such a simple concept to me. We all know that if we go out smiling into our day that we generally have a better day, as everyone responds to us in a certain way. A bad day will often get worse because of the doom and gloom that we are carrying around with us. It seems to me that creation of a vision board is a wonderful combination of my love of craft, my love of life and my belief in manifesting.

Here are some pictures of my first vision board. I am not sure I can explain what every part of it means because it might get rather personal, but you are free to make wild guesses. But I wanted it to say partly who I am now, partly what I want for my future and partly how I aim to get there. I will be making more vision boards and using them to help me focus on different aspects of my life and the goals and challenges that I set myself.

Also decided to have a Vision Board Party and invite friends into my summer house for an evening of crafting fun. I have had a craft party before and I think it surprised people who have long given up on playing with clay and sticking things, how much they really got into it. Put it this way, I have never known five women together be so focused and SILENT!

(Yes, I know muchly isn't a word, but it should be!)

Raw Food Lunch

Had an amazing day today teaching Reiki II. Two lovely people who I am lucky enough to have come across in my life and who have remained friends. They did not know each other but I felt very much that they would sit well together on their journey with reiki. They are both very intelligent and completely scatty at the same time. But this entry is not about reiki it is about raw food! I prepared a raw food lunch for us using some recipies from a course that I went on way back in March.

I went up to Bristol on the 10th March to a course designed and run by a lovely lady called Saskia who has a fantastic website www.rawfreedom.co.uk.
First I made a raw stir fry using the following ingredients (I'm sorry that I am not that good on remembering quantities as I tend to always prepare and cook with what I feel is right at the time. This has the effect of never eating the same meal twice which is sometimes upsetting when it is so nice but it makes you appreciate it all the more knowing you will never remember exactly how you made it.)

- pak choi
- baby corn cut in long strips
- spring onion cut into long thin strips
- a couple of large mushrooms
- yellow pepper cut into thin strips
- mange tout, halved

I made a dressing based on Saskia's recipe using some fresh ginger, garlic, lime juice and zest, fresh corriander, hemp oil and tamari - all wizzed up in my little hand blender.

I made a separate salad using watercress, baby spinach leaves and red cabbage.

I then put some lovely butternut squash, courgette, carrot, and raw beetroot through the spiralizer to make a fantastic multi coloured 'spaghetti'. This was dressed with Saskia's recipe for a pesto:-

1 handful of pine nuts
4 tablespoons of olive oil
1 handful of fresh basil
1 clove of garlic (optional)
Water and salt to taste

Wow! It looked beautiful and tasted wonderful and seemed to be enjoyed by the guests!

Next I made some 'pate' using sunflower seeds that I had soaked overnight (about 2 handfuls), also:-

4 pieces of sundried tomato
1 spring onion (white part only)
juice of half a lime
1 handful of fresh corriander
4 tablespoons of water

Wizzed up in the little hand blender and then spread into halves of mini peppers.

The whole lunch was well received and seconds taken so either a) my friends are so so lovely that they wanted to make me feel good about my 'weird' raw food or b) they really did like it! I'm thinking a) as I would hope that both of these people would feel confident enough in knowing me to be able to gulp and say "yuk, sorry I can't eat that".

I am thinking of experimenting with some raw food deserts next although they are in no way 'slimming', using nuts, bananas, dates, avocado, raw chocolate, so I had better be careful not to like them too much.

Fruit and veg saddened by the weather

This year is the first 'proper' year of my venture into growing my own vegetables. Until now, my husband has been in charge of this department and is a little .... let's be kind and say... sporadic about his approach to the whole thing. I don't think that gardening is a real passion of his anymore. He used to be into the whole thing but now he seems to need prodding (nagging??) to get anything done. Except for the grass - he is mostly good about keeping on top of the lawn mowing. I only say this so that you don't think I have barged in and taken over the whole project in my usual domineering way.

Weeding is a great hobby for me - I love it. I find it relaxing and soothing to the mind. It seems to give a pleasant time to help untangle the jumble of thoughts in my brain and in between doing that I don't think about very much other than the weeds themselves and getting out every little bit of bind weed root that I can. On the other hand, Dave is good at planting out some things but then he prefers to leave them to their own fate as far as fending off the weeds is concerned. He is good and consistent at watering but weeding is definitely NOT his thing.

I am also such a control freak at times that I do like the vegetables to look neat. They don't have to be in smart rows or anything - as demonstrated by the potato photo below! My only reason for planting anything else in rows from seed is that I need to see what comes up and identify it in it's uniform setting as what I planted, rather than thinking it might be a weed!!
I have started the beans in the propagator as well as the squashes. As you can see from these pics we are in the early stages and not too much progress yet. I have just put some cloches over them to see if a little shelter gives them a fighting chance.Lets just blame the weather at this point for their pathetic-ness! It seems to have rained constantly for the last week and the wind has been rather tempestuous too, resulting in rather forlorn and battered small plants. Never mind, lets see what happens.

The fruit bed is doing very well, although the strawberries are begging for more sun. The blueberries are looking good. I have had the plants for several years but they have been rather neglected in pots. At the end of last year I planted them in the ground with some ericaceous compost, and they seem to be responding well to the love and attention. The autumn raspberries are coming up well as are the blackcurrant cuttings taken last year and planted as bare sticks straight into the soil. The goji berries are looking busy but I don't think have ever produced a fruit so I am not holding out much hope for them. The loganberry and the thornless blackberry have both survived the move into the new bed and are looking healthy. Hopefully they will cover up prison fencing over the summer so that it doesn't look quite as cage like!

The fencing has a cat gap cut into it so that the cats have a quick way through. At the moment the cats are spending a lot of time in the polytunnel where it is warm and dry, or the greenhouse. I have lost the battle against the bindweed in the greenhouse at the moment, it is a bit of a disaster area.... watch this space, it is on my list!